Thursday, July 28, 2011

What They Don't Tell You.....

I write with humor and sarcasm, don't like it, then you know where the back button is.

This is me pregnant with Jaydon Bug with my little cousin Levi! Seems like forever ago!

Nothing is more life changing, self reflecting, challenging, and absolutely unimaginable joy then being a parent.

I can remember like it was yesterday going into the Dr. Office with a million and one questions about anything and everything that one can imagine. You carry on long conversations with other women who are mothers, asking for their advice, their thoughts and feelings on different things that you are going through and things that are to come. Everyone always has their "What to expect" talks with you.

But somewhere in these "What to expect talks", and that goes for you also pregnancy books, someone forgot to mention some of these things to me about parenthood........
I know you read them... and I am sorry they forgot to tell you a few things! 

So, this is what I have learned from being a mother from the past three and a half years.....and these are really random just to say the least

1) Expensive toys are over rated

Yah, they love to play with them everyone once in a son mainly when there are other kids around and then that toy becomes his NEW favorite toy, but what does he just LOVE to play with 99.9% of the time???? Small toys that cost no more than a buck! This includes: any toy from vending machines (you know the routine, if you are good in Walmart then you get to get a toy from the vending machine!) My mother and I both carry a little pouch of quarters because my son would be very content with bouncy balls, rubber hands, small keychains, and whatever else comes in these things! That also goes for: 99cent hotwheel cars, actual keys (so he can drive his car), cardboard boxes, clothes baskets,

2) Privacy is no longer an option
I never would have dreamed before becoming a parent that there would be a time where I could not even get privacy in my own bathroom....... Every time I go to use the bathroom, my dog and child are standing at my feet while I do my business....why you ask?? Beats me! The dog just sits there and watches..... and my son ask " Mommy, you going poop?? Over and over again...... And this is when it gets really interesting..... Not only are they spectators...but my son has to cheer me on while I "pee pee" or "poo poo"..... Yes... that is what I witness while doing my business..... All you hear is "Go Mommy!!!!!!" This also goes for showers also. I usually take a shower when my son is earlier in the morning, late at night, or during nap time. But it never fails. Somehow some sort of bathtime sensor goes off in his head and before I even put my shampoo in my hair I have a naked three year old jumping in the shower with a bucket full of toys demanding for "cold waterfall"......

3) Invest in a King Size bed..... and then get an air mattress!
Bed time.....uhhhhh..... sends shivers down my back just thinking about it! This is how bedtime goes for us. Put child in bed and read a book..... go get in bed.... see child come from his room and climb on top of you in your bed..... put child back in bed and lay down until he is asleep...repeat this process about three or four times. Finally sleep claims child. Wake up two hours later and this is what my KING size bed looks like: My husband huddled on one far end of the bed with only the side of his body on the bed, then the dog spooning my hubby,our son laying ACROSS the bed (aka his feet in my face, his head in my husbands side), then me huddled on the opposite side about falling off the bed..... Two hours later: My child and dog are laying across the bed with my husband sleeping on an air mattress by the air conditioner. RULE #1 for new parents: NEVER EVER let that so cute sleeping baby, child, or toddler start sleeping with you...because this is a very hard habit to break!

4) A child's hearing is WAY better then what they let on!!
I will be standing right next to my son and ask him to do something....and without blinking, he will act as though I never said anything at all.... it does not matter how many times you repeat yourself....they can't hear you....right? My husband will fart in one room and my son will appear from the other side of the house...walking in saying....."Daddy farted!" (nasty as it is to share this, there is a purpose). Want to get your child's attention when talking....(no don't fart) throw in a word they love!

5) You will find random objects in the most random places
I opened my fridge the other day and found paint brushes and my son's paint supplies on the bottom shelf.....enough said

6) The TV is no longer used for your enjoyment
The only thing my TV has played for a while now is Scooby Doo, Dora, or any other random cartoon character. You will know all the cartoons by heart: know the characters names, their hobbies, their personalities, and their ambitions in life. You will be able to sing the theme songs from heart. And you will be so familiar with them that you will be able to tell guests what is going to happen in this episode word for word.

7) Nothing is safe from crayons and markers

8) With that being said....kill anyone who giggles when they give your child markers, play dough, or any loud toy for a present........... OR instead of killing them remember that paybacks are a you know what and go bigger for their child!

9) You will screen presents and invent unique ways for the disproved ones to disappear........

10) Your house will mysteriously become a mess within an hour after cleaning it.....Mess and dirt stalks kids!

11) Anything on the floor or near it is fair game, this also includes you.
If you are a guest in my house, be prepared to be a slide, airplane pilot, horse, or any other creative thing that involves my child using your body for his entertainment

12) Kids are amazing ...not so much

13) You will learn early on what your child will be when they grow up....or at least possibilities
A Spy.... that is what my son will be some day.... I know this because when it comes to getting my son to do the #2 on the potty, the best interrogator in the world will not get this child to crack! If he goes into politics, we know that he will be honest because my son does not go for bribes and deals. A stuntman, he has no fear and is willing to jump from places the other kids would never dare to!!

14) Unless you are a freak of nature... your body will not immediately go back to looking like it used to, and you may actually have to try REALLY hard to get that body back ( this I am still battling!!) .....This includes working your ass off harder then you have ever worked out before. You love pizza? Cookies? Cake? Anything else unhealthy..... better find a good sub for it because one look at any of these foods will gain you 5 pounds.....It is best during this process of over coming self denial to stay away from mothers who were freaks of only puts you in a bad mood!

EXP: Before I was pregnant, I only worked out because my friend would kidnap me to go with her..... I had a great body and could eat whatever I wanted without having to work at all for it! I gained 75 pounds with my son.... I lost 35 pounds my first trimester due to morning.....well all day sickness...then gained that back and then more my last month and a half of being pregnant... this left extremely bad stretch marks all over my belly that I swear are deep enough to allow one to see my internals!!! I have worked SO hard to try to loose this weight and yet it is very stubborn!!! My sister: gradually gained weight throughout, had Hunter, and then a week later was back to looking better then she did before she had Hunter... bikinis, short shorts, you name it she could once again pull it off.... It still takes all my effort not to punch her in her skinny face!!! Remember people...HUMOR

15) Before you have children, you run across those children who are loud, throwing tantrums, and rocking the whole world with their mouth.... and you think to yourself... My children will never act like that!!!
Well time to wake up from la la land there beautiful!! Because they will! And you will be horribly embarrassed! And from that moment on, when you see these children when you are out in public, you no longer criticize these parents but instead you feel this urge to want to give them a hug and remind them to be strong!...then grab your child and run before your child decides they want to partake also!!!

I told you these were all really random.... and I apologize if any of this offends anyone.... but just a few different things I have been thinking about lately.

But despite it all you just can't help but to love to death that child of yours.... and I  would not trade a  perfectly clean house, model firm body, and quiet oasis for that little love of my life!

I want to hear what you have learned from parenting! (Don't forget, humor is allowed into this blog...please do NOT leave it at the door! )


  1. I LOVED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Bahaha! Can't wait to partake in all of this soon:-) I've experienced most of it through nannying...but never 24-7. Humor will definitely get me through those tough days! xoxo