Monday, April 25, 2011

Being Mommy Again!

Hello readers.

It is around 10:30 at night and I found myself at a stump with my homework project that is due in the morning. It is quite small and stupid really what is holding me back from finishing this project....yet it is such an important detail that can not be taken lightly. I have made a tri-fold on the research of Shel Silverstein. The problem that I am at right now is that I have finished the whole thing except for the title: Who is Shel Silverstein? I am trying to think of a unique way to present the title on this but everything I think of would take too much time. Oh well... I will figure it out soon enough.

I am happy to say that I have approximately four weeks left of school, including finals week. I will be so happy when this semester is done and over with and I can actually sit back and relax a bit before student teaching next semester. I only have one class to take this summer and it only meets twice a week for the month of June. Hopefully this will give my mind the much needed time to rest and recuperate before starting next semester.

So after this past semester of running wild with classes I have decided on a new path once I finish student teaching.Something that I have not been wanting to admit to myself for quite some time now really came into full perspective to me during this past week after an unpleasant episode that took place. I realized how much time I put into school and how much of that time is being taken away from my son. I realized that through this whole school experience that he has rarely ever had mommy who was not constantly stressed about school and worrying about how she was going to get it all finished with an A. I love my son so much and I never want him to ever think that he comes second in life. I know that he is only three and does not fully understand what is going on.... actually he does like mommy's school and the rare occasions that he gets to join me in the classroom. But the fact remains is that he deserves more from me. I know it sounds quit ridiculous, but from the moment that I held his little finger I never wanted to leave him. I would to be able to be a stay at home mom full time and raise my child and spend all that time with him growing and learning in life. And not to mention the little ones to come. The closer and closer I get to graduating the more and more I just wish and pray that something will happen to allow me to stay home with my son until he goes to school.

It is because of this that I have decided that I am going to hold off from getting a teaching job until after my son starts school. Being a teacher is alot of work and one that I am looking forward to doing one day, one day however when I have that extra time to give fully and not have to worry about forsaking time with my son for. My biggest fear is that if I get a teaching job right after college, that I will be repeating the past three years all over again and that my son will once again not have the extra attention needed from me, nor for myself. I still have no idea how I plan on getting my husband on the same path as this, for he was looking forward to me getting job right after wards also (thank you bills and student loans)....but at what cost? I realize that we need the money, and I will plan on working a few nights a week at my current job just for that little extra. When I think about this sometimes I feel like I am being selfish, other times I feel you go girl. Just so lost.

But I do know one thing, I am looking forward to the day when I get to be mommy again and not a student.

The day when I get to take my son for a walk and not work on homework

The day when my son asks me to come play and I don't tell him that I am sorry because I have to finish my homework.

I look forward to being mommy again!

People told me it was going to be difficult, going back to school while raising a family, but I never imagined it would be like this. When I am at school, I feel as if no one really understands how much extra effort I have to put into every single assignment just to finish it. This goes for my clincals as well. I try to give it my all, and I have been on the Deans list several times to prove just that. I have had teachers make remarks about how they don't know how I do it, or how tuff it is...... And honestly, I don't know how I do it either. It is amazing how I have become a master of juggling.

Typical day for me: Wake up at around 6:30. Shower. Get ready for class/clinical. Wake Jaydon up, get him ready to go to daycare. Go to class/clinical. Do everything I can to stay awake and be productive all day while in classes or clinicals. Pick up Jaydon. Play with Jaydon. Do homework. Clean. Repeat about five times. Make supper. Get Jaydon ready for bed. homework. bed around midnight. Repeat this cycle five times, then move on to weekend schedule where it is just homework, cleaning, laundry, and playing with lil man. Not to mention the million and one places we have to be at on weekends.

My mom and dad just bought their "retirement" home that is out in the country right on a pond. Beautiful home. Peaceful. Quiet. Relaxing. Jaydon loves it there. I love it there. I think this place is going to be the place that is going to save me from going insane from school. When we are there, fishing at the pond, taking walks, or just sitting on the deck, life seems so simple again. There is no stress, no reminders of what needs to be done and how little time I have to finish it. Life is just that ..... time to relax and enjoy yourself. I am looking forward to going there this summer with Jaydon and spending a good week there together. I look forward to this so......

This place has also healed my mind I do believe. Before I went back to school, my mind flowed all the time. Creativity poured out constantly. Words melted and book after book would form. This left once school started three years ago. Amazing thing is, ever sense I have been spending time out there, I feel my creativity coming back to me. The words flow again without hesitation and doubt. I have spent roughly a total of three days there... and in those three days that I have spent there I have already got four books in my mind ready to write.... I cannot wait to sit down with the pin and get started on the words.

Wow I have been rambling bad. But it does feel good to get some of this off my chest. Sorry for those of you who stuck it out till the end of reading this post. I know it was here there and every where...kinda whinny.... kinda stuck on one subject.... But oh well... I appreciate having you there for me while I am attempting to climb back up out of the hole.

By the way, for my prayer list tonight.... I ask that you all say a little extra prayer for my husband's grandma. She had surgery today for her heart and has been having complications for a while. I pray that she recovers smoothly and only gets better. 

Love to all tonight and thank you for stopping by.

PS... I promise my next post will not be so depressing, school orientated, nor rambling. I will make a solid effort to entertain you in some way shape or form.

Good Night all... And pleasant dreams